It's amazing what a box implies. Behind me is a very big box. This box means several things.

A. Painting needs to be done, yesterday.
2. Floors should be sanded, soon.
C. There should be someone else sleeping here, someday.

Matt's middle brothers moved the crib and changing table into the babes room, because I really didn't know where else to have them put them. But now there is this looming monster in the corner. It brings such a mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm so excited to have her [and be done with being pregnant] but I'm worried about getting things done. My sister pointed out to me last night that she won't know if I don't have matching curtains in her room when she comes home. And she won't care if my living room isn't spotless. I guess I just don't want the house to end up a disaster. I want her to have a safe and pretty home. I know that it can all be done- I'm just going to have to ask for help and potentially work through a nap or two and deal with some heartburn.

It may sound silly, but I don't want to bring her into a house. I want to bring her home. And right now? It doesn't really feel like one to me. Hopefully I can change that in less than 80 days. We'll see what happens.

12 and change...

We're almost to 28 weeks, which means soon it will be a single digit countdown.

SINGLE!

I'm hoping that the nervous starts to subside and the excited bubbles up more. The nervous mostly applies to the house, I want entirely too much done before she gets here. I wanted things cleaned and organized. I don't know how we're going to gel those first few days or weeks, so I want to make sure that Matt and I both know where everything is and we can get at what we need quickly. We've made some amazing progress in terms of getting rid of some of the excess in the basement and organizing the upstairs. There's still a bit of moving to do and some hefty painting- but I'm feeling better about it after our VERY productive weekend. And with 3.5 more days off this week I think I might be able to knock most of the painting off the to do list!

I got nervous a few days ago when I realized people had to be looking at our registry- because something else was missing. Couple this with the fact that we really haven't made any new progress in/on the house in the last few weeks and I'm an even bigger ball of nerves. I'm hoping to get one or BOTH of our desks in the basement this weekend, if that happens I'll be one step closer to painting the babe's room. I suppose I could worry about painting the play room first, I don't worry about that because I know that while it would be nice if it were a new color- if it stays white it's not the end of the world. Never mind the fact that the colors I'm looking at for in there are the lightest versions of beige, tan and peach out there. I'm also probably not terribly concerned with that room yet because I don't have my heart set on any of those colors.

There are less than 100 days left. That my friends is no joke. Time for us to get a move on.

I am the slug

I don't know if I'm getting the sleepies early, or if I'm going to use this as an I TOLD YOU SO about my pregnancy progress... I'm feeling the 3rd trimester energy vortex. I want naps. I want snooze buttons.

The days that I have to go to work or run around kill me. I know that we're in the home stretch now, so that's got me excited. But this sloth/slug stuff has got to go. We have a lot to do still. And there's a lot that I wanted to get squared away before we became a 3-some. Some days I think my love of naps is going to destroy my to do list- and that makes me a little sad. I did manage to pick out a paint color for her room as well as start painting a lamp for the room. It doesn't feel like much progress at this point, but I know that as long as I can keep knocking little things off we should be ok.

But for now I'll keep doing what I can and take naps as often as I can.

It seems silly...

But I already worry about my daughter. I worry about what people will tell her. I worry that someone else will get to have momentous firsts with her. I worry about who will try to influence her.

It all seems so silly. And almost ridiculous.

I can't affect any of this, but it tickles my brain in the early morning and latest night. Every once and a while when I'm having these deep thoughts about who she'll spend her time with and where she might end up- she gives me a thump or a bump. Just to let me know she's still there. At least that's what I like to think.

It feels so strange to be sitting on the other side of this pregnancy. While I am thrilled to be past the halfway point for a variety of reasons, I'm afraid that I am approaching the nervous portion of the program.

I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen. I like being prepared. And right now I don't feel like we're prepared and I certainly don't know what's going to happen. I know that a large part of the prep process for me is the babe's room, which requires some help and a lot of heavy lifting... so that is being shelved for now.

But in the mean time I've been trying to organize and stream line the rest of our living spaces. Because honestly- I haven't kept things as clean as I'd like in quite some time. It's frustrating being at work and then coming home to chaos. Some days I don't have the energy to make dinner let alone think about picking things up or sorting and organizing things. Matt and I have some time off together but not a lot. So I try not to make the time we spend together all about chores- but this has got me thinking that I'm going to have to scale back on how much time I spend at work soon. I need to have time and energy to devote to my house and husband. All of that thinking has me nervous about balancing work and home after the baby's born.

But I know one thing is certain, if I don't start getting things done we're going to have to make a mad dash at the end. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a woman who's 8mos pregnant- but they don't do much running.

I guess it's time to prioritize.

Now there's a Baby Pool link at the top of the Page. I haven't figured out what the prize shall be yet.

...it's been a doozy of a day

Two of my girlfriends have encountered serious problems with their pregnancies. And in both instances it forced me to think about how it must feel to be in their shoes, what would I do? And most importantly- who would be there to help me through it?

The soul searching that ensued first angered me. Then I was inspired. I know that Matt and I will make our way over and around whatever obstacles we encounter. I'd like to say that he's all that I will ever need- because well, I did marry the man. But I know that I need more than him, it's not fair to make him carry my world and his when mine turns sideways.

It was at this point that the hormonal crying jag started. I don't think I'll ever understand them, it's also safe to say that I will never look forward to them. But that is neither here nor there, so let's move on shall we? I felt so alone, mind you I was in a sense since I was in the car on the way to work. Oh yes, I was that crazy woman driving down Delaware crying. It was spectacular. In that moment I realized that there were only 2 people I could call when I got to work, and I didn't want to call either of them. I couldn't talk to the person I wanted to- and that seemed to make me cry harder and it made me very angry.

I had to tell myself more than once today that I'm better than this. I stood up for myself before I really understood what my actions meant. I have unbelievable strength, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I can do this. As much as it hurts to think- I can do this on my own.

I promised myself that I'd stop being angry today. I'm going to stop feeling the sad. Because I am where I am, and I have a say in where I go. And it's ok if you don't come with me because I've made it this far. And I'm fairly certain that I'll reach the finish line. Something tells me, that I'll appreciate what Matt and I make even more knowing that it just took the two of us.


You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I tried to be your brother
You cried and ran for cover
I made a mess, who doesn’t
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I’ll give you something can cry about
One thing you should try it out
Hold a mirror shoulder high
When you’re older look you in the eye
When you’re older look you in the eye

I tried but you tried harder
I lied but you lied smarter
You made me guess who was it
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

Halfway down the stairs.

I'm sitting here at the halfway mark, with just under 20 weeks to go. And it feels strange. While it feels like a lifetime ago that we found out we were having a baby, I know that it wasn't. Some days, it seems like August is never coming.

It hasn't been easy or picture perfect, but in the end it'll all be worth the worry and wait. I'm so thankful for the friends and family I have. I can't thank my sister enough for all of the times I've called her in hysterics or near-hysterics. And I love that my Girlfriends are taking me to Register.

I know that I'm lucky. I didn't ever doubt that.

Redecorating, it's true.

People keep asking me what I'm most excited about with the pregnancy. And in my head I yell REDECORATING! But I don't say that. Most people expect you to say things like: being a Mom, bringing home baby, watching them grow.

But I'm not there yet.

Right now I'm excited to move things, paint things, clean things. I'm excited to baby proof. You might be wondering why- I have 5 months to make this place comfy, pretty and SAFE for a baby. I want all of it done before the Peanut comes home so there's no worry. I know that as far as safety goes some of it will come as the baby ages; as in "...I had no idea you could reach that!" There are things that I can do in the mean time though.

I'm sure that by the time June and July roll around I'll get the Mom jitters and I'll be excited to bring the baby home. But honestly? If I started getting excited about all of that now I don't think I'd have any energy left in August.

So for now:

We clean!
We paint!
We organize!

...and snack

...as much as I hate tickers

We have two now. There had been one at the very BOTTOM of the page, but I doubt anyone really looked there after the posts got long. If you haven't so much been playing along at home the one will be a bit of a shock, and I apologize. Surprise! I figured keeping them at the bottom would be too much scrolling. And you might not see them. So now BOTH tickers are up top. Exciting no?

I heart the Office, let's just get that out of the way. Matt doesn't really. He enjoys the banter between Jim and Dwight- but I think that's about it. I would say that what's about to follow is hormone induced, but I know deep down inside it's not. It's the truth.

There have been episodes of the Office that have struck a chord in me in the past. But his past season Ms Beasley has made me feel better about all most ALL of the crazy I've felt. I still have the Wedding Episode saved on our DVR, dontjudgeme. But watching her freak out about labor last night made me breathe a very large sigh of relief.

I've been so afraid that something will go wrong, I'll want give up or I won't be able to physically DO it. My father and Matt are proving to be a wonderful cheering section. They keep telling me that I'll be able to do it- I will find a way. My dad was pretty funny about it, he said he wasn't sure how women did it- but they find a way through. I really don't know what I did to get a dad like this, but I'm pretty thankful. Matt has remained calm even through my freak outs, thankgod. I don't think it would end well if we both spent all our time worrying.

Is there anybody out there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

So- I've left you alone for a while. And I'm sorry about that, Facebook is far more shiny and entertaining. I've had a house to try to maintain, which I've been failing at miserably [but more on that later]. I've just gotten all wrapped up in life. Which is funny because people kept telling me that I'd be so bored when all of the Wedding planning and hub-bub ended. When in reality- when that stopped I went back to living my life. I know it seems silly to say that my life was on hold for the 9-12 months of planning, but in a way it was. There were so many things that had to get done on a time table and in a specific order- other things just had to wait. The gas bill still got paid, dinner was still made; but anything that didn't need to get done was left to be done at a later date.

Which finds us in the wonderful spot we are today, terribly behind in everything. We'll get it all done, after all he did say forever. ; )

one week later

And we're both still here, despite Matt getting sick the day after the Wedding. Now that he's been put back together maybe I'll have the chance to update the rest of the world on everything, but for now:

NINE

...and today I pick up my Wedding Band.

In late breaking news:

I returned the first wedding band I bought Matt today and brought home another. In the beginning I was nervous to look at rings for him by myself. I'm terribly fickle and I didn't want to get him something that he wouldn't want to have on his hand forever.

No better way for him to remember me than that GOD FORSAKEN, uncomfortable useless piece of metal on his hand... but I digress.

I showed him what I picked out today- and he loved it. He still loves it.

Wedding Band: Check!

11 days left on this roller coaster.

I never was a patient child.

Responde s'il vous plait?

Seriously.

Waiting for some of these is KILLING me. I know the status of most of mine. But well let's just say Matthew has his fair share of friends and family not currently reporting. And at this rate we won't be making our room minimum and we'll be inviting strangers!

In other news the hotel block has be released back into the hotel. So you may still get a discounted rate if you call. But you may not. So get on the bandwagon kids!

I'm finding things to occupy my time while I wait though. Finally getting around to making sails and the rest of the masts. I keep burning CD's for the DJ. I should stop burning a new copy every time I add something to the play list in iTunes. I made a list of everything that we each need to pack for the hotel. I even made schedules! Mostly so that I don't have to have 400 people calling me the day of asking me where I am or where I'm going. I also wanted to see it all laid out for my own sanity. I need to know that everything is going to get done- and I'd like to know on what time table.

Registries

People have complained that they can't seem to find us, even after hiding Wish Lists etc. So here I am to provide you with links that will take you straight to the registry.

Amazon!

Target!

...Tupperware won't let me give you a link. Sorry.

Deep breath.

Most people who know me will find what I am about to tell you all unbelievable. I don't care about the little shit anymore. Yes it would be really nice to make welcome bags for all of our out of town guests, but that could/would get expensive. And I don't really have any anal retention left to find the perfect things to stick in said bags. Mind you, if I find myself bored the week or two before the Wedding I'll be making them. But it's not in my immediate plan. Hell, I still haven't ordered our cake OR our rings. But my dress is fitted and paid for, he's been fitted for his tux, the photographer is paid for. RSVP's are slow but steady. I think I've got everything I need. So with that said: I'm done. D-U-N, done. No more stressing out about Wedding crap. Because really, in the end it's all crap. I won't die without it. The important points are covered.

I'm sure I'll order a cake, so don't worry about that. It's just that getting into South Buffalo is sometimes hard for me. I've taken deep breath after breath since I picked up my dress Saturday. I don't think I really need anything else from this Wedding. I just want to wear my big dress and dance. And I think that just knowing that my dress is safe and sound at Aunt Karen's does something for the crazy half of my brain. So now for, I dance, breathe and wait.

Dancing through life,
Skimming the surface,
Gliding where turf is smooth.
Life's more painless,
For the brainless.
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing,
Dancing through life.
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do.
Nothing matters.

Crap.

I may not have a Judge for the Wedding now. I wasn't paying attention when we picked a date, we're getting Married on Rosh Hashanah. Weeeeeeeeee!

Crap, crap, crap.

Thank You, I'm Sorry.

Four words, two phrases. But what an impact they can have.

People seem to forget how much we need to hear those precious 4. We as a society are becoming self interested and self absorbed. Leaving no time for either. Throughout our Wedding Planning I have made a conscious effort to say both of these things repeatedly to the people who needed to hear them.

The thank yous are mostly directed at our Wedding Elves that I've met. Although, they sometimes get the I'm sorrys too. Whether I'm calling to ask another question about our contract or I'm late for our appointment. But there's one almost elf who has give me a sorry, that was followed by my thank yous, but I feel as though he could use an I'm sorry from me.

I don't know how long it took, or how many people had to look at all of my correspondence back and forth- but Michael C and the Finance Dept at Team Pictage not only deserve a big Thank You, but an I'm sorry too.

I'm sorry for all of the pestering and email back and forth. I was very nervous about what was going on and exactly where I would land. Thank you for taking time out of your days to check on things for me. As a consumer on the other side of the country, sometimes you have to wonder if anyone out there is actually concerned about your problem and whether or not they're even working on a solution for you.

Thanks to all of our emails and the results that I can see this morning, Michael and Team Finance [that's what I've decided to call you, you can submit a team name change to HR] worked to find and fix a problem for me. And I can't even being to tell you how much I appreciate it.

Thank you and I'm sorry.