I get by with a little help from my friends.

I will admit, I feel fairly helpless as I write this. I want so much to help my friend- but it doesn't seem like there is much I can do for him. I'm fairly certain that he and his wife will have more days in front of them with this awful feeling walking beside them. For one afternoon, I will be filling the shoes left by hopelessness. And maybe, that will help. http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/GillianBobrowski

Catching up...

We've been married for one year and we haven't killed each other, wonderful.
We had a healthy baby who is growing quickly all while smiling, awesome
I developed post partum depression, unfortunate.

I shouldn't say that this has been solely my problem, because this has been something that my family has had to deal with. While my husband has dealt with it more than my daughter, I didn't want it to get to the point where it would interfere or impact their lives in a significant way. I should have said something sooner, but I didn't know who to ask or where to turn to.

I've been dealing with this quietly, on my own. I didn't talk to anyone about it because like most new mothers- I was afraid of what people would think. I was afraid people would judge me, think that I wasn't caring for my daughter. I didn't want to deal with the pitiful glances that echoed, "poor you." Because that doesn't help.

I should have opened up sooner. I should have tried to find someone to relate to. But no one talks about this. No one flies the PPD flag high over their head. No one that I've met.

Why am I doing this now? Because I remember how awful it felt in the beginning. I remember feeling trapped in my house with this beautiful little girl. I remember being so confused wondering how did I end up in this position? I could take care of her, but not myself. And how could I continue to care for her if I can't care for myself? Eventually I knew that she was going to suffer because of all of this. That made me feel terrible. I couldn't bear the thought of her having to be unhappy because I was unhappy.

My email box and Facebook feed are erupting with announcements of pregnancies and births- and I want my friends to know that they aren't alone. If they find themselves feeling lost or listless, there is hope. There is a way through and around this.

I want you to know that there are resources out there. There are people who can help you. There are people who want to help you. But they can't if you don't speak up.

Our Family

I spent a lot of last night thinking about it. Sometimes I feel strange talking about "My Family" because- well it does. But all of that can and will wait.

I'm not quite sure how I want to deal with visitors after the babe gets here. I've been told that people will want to come over and see her, hold her, booooooond with her. In all reality I'm fine with that- as long as it's on my schedule. Matt and I need to get in to a routine. We need to get to know this little person and she needs to get to know us.

I'd like to be able to come home, shower and sleep at my leisure. Now, I know that that sounds ridiculous. Who really has time for that with a newborn? But I don't want to have to worry about asking people to leave because I'm tired or upset or just plain overwhelmed. And while I appreciate that most people could and would take the hint and go- what do I do if someone doesn't? Do I ask Matt to politely and quietly tell everyone to go? Or should I try to keep it together long enough to ask them to leave?

While talking to my dad last night I mentioned that I wanted to wait until after I'd worked through the potential baby blues before having visitors over. He said that probably wouldn't be possible. Asking people to wait a week before seeing the baby might not go over well. So I guess for now I pray that the hormone crash isn't terrible and possibly over before I leave the hospital. And I hope that people understand that when I ask for my space- respect that I actually need it.

Halfway down the stairs.

I'm sitting here at the halfway mark, with just under 20 weeks to go. And it feels strange. While it feels like a lifetime ago that we found out we were having a baby, I know that it wasn't. Some days, it seems like August is never coming.

It hasn't been easy or picture perfect, but in the end it'll all be worth the worry and wait. I'm so thankful for the friends and family I have. I can't thank my sister enough for all of the times I've called her in hysterics or near-hysterics. And I love that my Girlfriends are taking me to Register.

I know that I'm lucky. I didn't ever doubt that.

We've made it to double digits: 97

I decided we're gonna do some shout outs tonight. Because I can do what I want here. Right? I thought so.

First and foremost, Amanda. What in Gods green earth would I have done without her? I mean honestly- how am I not myself. Think about it. She doesn't even LIVE in NY, but off she went on an adventure to find me boats. And she was victorious. Armed only with her wits and a UPC Code she set forth on NY/PA. And she won. Hats off to you Amanda.

Next up is Marsha. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! Marsha is my florist. [ www.vannormsflorist.com ] And I love her to itty bitty bits. She didn't try to sell me things I didn't want. And she LISTENED to what I wanted and didn't want as far as colors and flowers. All too often vendors try to pigeon hole brides- because they think they can. Marsha didn't even come close. Thank you, from the bottom of my weary little heart.

Melissa. Oh, Melissa. How do I love thee? Let me count the calls. [ www.munelitphotographic.com ] I think it's safe to say that I get Mel and she gets me. I met her by chance and thank heavens. We took an afternoon to bond... and a few late night chats. It's fairly safe to say that I can't stop laughing- it's hard for her to take serious-esque pictures of me. I'm working on quiet thoughts for her though ;). Thanks for agreeing to come on this whirlwind adventure.