I get by with a little help from my friends.

I will admit, I feel fairly helpless as I write this. I want so much to help my friend- but it doesn't seem like there is much I can do for him. I'm fairly certain that he and his wife will have more days in front of them with this awful feeling walking beside them. For one afternoon, I will be filling the shoes left by hopelessness. And maybe, that will help. http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/GillianBobrowski

It's the final countdown

We are rapidly approaching the single digit countdown- that's exciting... and terrifying. I'm not really sure what to expect out of myself in L&D- there are 3 possibilities.

1. I'm fine
2. I cry like a baby the whole time
3. I scream- a lot

Now, I could do a combination of 2 and 3 together. They seem like they'd fit nicely together. I have a theory as to which one I'll be- but I can't tell you what it is, that would ruin the surprise!

The room's been painted, crib assembled, changing table parts arrived, clothes washed and sorted. Now I just have to wait- which I'm not terribly good at. My mind wanders, it tends to get annoying if you have to deal with it daily [SORRY MATT!]. I can't do much, so I've been trying to keep busy as best I can- I've already addressed Birth Announcement envelopes.

Yes, I am that insane.

I figure that this way someone else can stuff, stamp and mail them. I took care of the hard part.

4:15 are out of the Baby Pool so far, technically 5:15 if you take in to account the boy guess. But I'll over look that. The rest of the guesses seem to be in clusters. Although I'm pretty sure that anyone who guessed AFTER my due date is insane- because I'm just about done and there are still 14 days to go.

Day 2: Still no signs of alternate life forms

So, I'm not working anymore. And when I think about the fact that this means I won't be working in August, September and possibly even October- I worry. Granted, I'd rather be home and not terribly swollen than at work potentially causing myself or someone else harm. So home I stay.

Today was harder than yesterday because I was alone all day. Yesterday I had Matt home with me, so there was someone to talk to, move big things. But today it was just l'il ol' me. I enjoyed being alone some, as I know that these quiet and leisurely days are numbered. But I got terribly frustrated and how tried I was after trying to do some dishes and clean the bathroom. I figured out a way to do chores at 7mos pregnant that apparently doesn't work so well at 8+mos. I'm going to have to figure something out because there's still plenty to be done.

I'm hoping Day 3 is more productive than Day 2. We'll see what happens.

I hate to say it...

But the last 50 days are starting to feel like the first 50.

I have heartburn and hiccups all day. I often want to throw up. I ride the pendulum from insomnia to narcolepsy. Which also means I swing between being over tired and bouncing off the walls.

The good news is the floor in her room has been sanded and poly'd, I just need to work on priming and painting it. It's partially primed already but I need to get moving on the other side. Once that's all taken care of it'll be time to put in the closet organizer and start washing the massive amounts of baby clothes.

I still don't have a hospital bag packed. And I haven't taken any of the childbirth classes. I'm hoping that they can fit me to the next one. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm hoping to get part of my bag packed today, there have been BH and honest to god contractions in the past week which served as a harsh reminder that I still have much to do.

Something that makes this a whole lot easier is love. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWEE! Yes I know, how trite of me. But we really are lucky that there are so many people out there who care about Matt and I, which in turn means they care about this little person. People have offered to come help paint, sit with me, help me move things- and not to mention all of the awesome that was my shower. So let's just hope I remember all of these people in the next month and a half- because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need help from someone- at least once.

It's amazing what a box implies. Behind me is a very big box. This box means several things.

A. Painting needs to be done, yesterday.
2. Floors should be sanded, soon.
C. There should be someone else sleeping here, someday.

Matt's middle brothers moved the crib and changing table into the babes room, because I really didn't know where else to have them put them. But now there is this looming monster in the corner. It brings such a mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm so excited to have her [and be done with being pregnant] but I'm worried about getting things done. My sister pointed out to me last night that she won't know if I don't have matching curtains in her room when she comes home. And she won't care if my living room isn't spotless. I guess I just don't want the house to end up a disaster. I want her to have a safe and pretty home. I know that it can all be done- I'm just going to have to ask for help and potentially work through a nap or two and deal with some heartburn.

It may sound silly, but I don't want to bring her into a house. I want to bring her home. And right now? It doesn't really feel like one to me. Hopefully I can change that in less than 80 days. We'll see what happens.

12 and change...

We're almost to 28 weeks, which means soon it will be a single digit countdown.

SINGLE!

I'm hoping that the nervous starts to subside and the excited bubbles up more. The nervous mostly applies to the house, I want entirely too much done before she gets here. I wanted things cleaned and organized. I don't know how we're going to gel those first few days or weeks, so I want to make sure that Matt and I both know where everything is and we can get at what we need quickly. We've made some amazing progress in terms of getting rid of some of the excess in the basement and organizing the upstairs. There's still a bit of moving to do and some hefty painting- but I'm feeling better about it after our VERY productive weekend. And with 3.5 more days off this week I think I might be able to knock most of the painting off the to do list!

I got nervous a few days ago when I realized people had to be looking at our registry- because something else was missing. Couple this with the fact that we really haven't made any new progress in/on the house in the last few weeks and I'm an even bigger ball of nerves. I'm hoping to get one or BOTH of our desks in the basement this weekend, if that happens I'll be one step closer to painting the babe's room. I suppose I could worry about painting the play room first, I don't worry about that because I know that while it would be nice if it were a new color- if it stays white it's not the end of the world. Never mind the fact that the colors I'm looking at for in there are the lightest versions of beige, tan and peach out there. I'm also probably not terribly concerned with that room yet because I don't have my heart set on any of those colors.

There are less than 100 days left. That my friends is no joke. Time for us to get a move on.

I am the slug

I don't know if I'm getting the sleepies early, or if I'm going to use this as an I TOLD YOU SO about my pregnancy progress... I'm feeling the 3rd trimester energy vortex. I want naps. I want snooze buttons.

The days that I have to go to work or run around kill me. I know that we're in the home stretch now, so that's got me excited. But this sloth/slug stuff has got to go. We have a lot to do still. And there's a lot that I wanted to get squared away before we became a 3-some. Some days I think my love of naps is going to destroy my to do list- and that makes me a little sad. I did manage to pick out a paint color for her room as well as start painting a lamp for the room. It doesn't feel like much progress at this point, but I know that as long as I can keep knocking little things off we should be ok.

But for now I'll keep doing what I can and take naps as often as I can.

It feels so strange to be sitting on the other side of this pregnancy. While I am thrilled to be past the halfway point for a variety of reasons, I'm afraid that I am approaching the nervous portion of the program.

I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen. I like being prepared. And right now I don't feel like we're prepared and I certainly don't know what's going to happen. I know that a large part of the prep process for me is the babe's room, which requires some help and a lot of heavy lifting... so that is being shelved for now.

But in the mean time I've been trying to organize and stream line the rest of our living spaces. Because honestly- I haven't kept things as clean as I'd like in quite some time. It's frustrating being at work and then coming home to chaos. Some days I don't have the energy to make dinner let alone think about picking things up or sorting and organizing things. Matt and I have some time off together but not a lot. So I try not to make the time we spend together all about chores- but this has got me thinking that I'm going to have to scale back on how much time I spend at work soon. I need to have time and energy to devote to my house and husband. All of that thinking has me nervous about balancing work and home after the baby's born.

But I know one thing is certain, if I don't start getting things done we're going to have to make a mad dash at the end. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a woman who's 8mos pregnant- but they don't do much running.

I guess it's time to prioritize.

...it's been a doozy of a day

Two of my girlfriends have encountered serious problems with their pregnancies. And in both instances it forced me to think about how it must feel to be in their shoes, what would I do? And most importantly- who would be there to help me through it?

The soul searching that ensued first angered me. Then I was inspired. I know that Matt and I will make our way over and around whatever obstacles we encounter. I'd like to say that he's all that I will ever need- because well, I did marry the man. But I know that I need more than him, it's not fair to make him carry my world and his when mine turns sideways.

It was at this point that the hormonal crying jag started. I don't think I'll ever understand them, it's also safe to say that I will never look forward to them. But that is neither here nor there, so let's move on shall we? I felt so alone, mind you I was in a sense since I was in the car on the way to work. Oh yes, I was that crazy woman driving down Delaware crying. It was spectacular. In that moment I realized that there were only 2 people I could call when I got to work, and I didn't want to call either of them. I couldn't talk to the person I wanted to- and that seemed to make me cry harder and it made me very angry.

I had to tell myself more than once today that I'm better than this. I stood up for myself before I really understood what my actions meant. I have unbelievable strength, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I can do this. As much as it hurts to think- I can do this on my own.

I promised myself that I'd stop being angry today. I'm going to stop feeling the sad. Because I am where I am, and I have a say in where I go. And it's ok if you don't come with me because I've made it this far. And I'm fairly certain that I'll reach the finish line. Something tells me, that I'll appreciate what Matt and I make even more knowing that it just took the two of us.


You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I tried to be your brother
You cried and ran for cover
I made a mess, who doesn’t
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I’ll give you something can cry about
One thing you should try it out
Hold a mirror shoulder high
When you’re older look you in the eye
When you’re older look you in the eye

I tried but you tried harder
I lied but you lied smarter
You made me guess who was it
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

Is there anybody out there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

So- I've left you alone for a while. And I'm sorry about that, Facebook is far more shiny and entertaining. I've had a house to try to maintain, which I've been failing at miserably [but more on that later]. I've just gotten all wrapped up in life. Which is funny because people kept telling me that I'd be so bored when all of the Wedding planning and hub-bub ended. When in reality- when that stopped I went back to living my life. I know it seems silly to say that my life was on hold for the 9-12 months of planning, but in a way it was. There were so many things that had to get done on a time table and in a specific order- other things just had to wait. The gas bill still got paid, dinner was still made; but anything that didn't need to get done was left to be done at a later date.

Which finds us in the wonderful spot we are today, terribly behind in everything. We'll get it all done, after all he did say forever. ; )

NINE

...and today I pick up my Wedding Band.

In late breaking news:

I returned the first wedding band I bought Matt today and brought home another. In the beginning I was nervous to look at rings for him by myself. I'm terribly fickle and I didn't want to get him something that he wouldn't want to have on his hand forever.

No better way for him to remember me than that GOD FORSAKEN, uncomfortable useless piece of metal on his hand... but I digress.

I showed him what I picked out today- and he loved it. He still loves it.

Wedding Band: Check!

11 days left on this roller coaster.

I never was a patient child.

Responde s'il vous plait?

Seriously.

Waiting for some of these is KILLING me. I know the status of most of mine. But well let's just say Matthew has his fair share of friends and family not currently reporting. And at this rate we won't be making our room minimum and we'll be inviting strangers!

In other news the hotel block has be released back into the hotel. So you may still get a discounted rate if you call. But you may not. So get on the bandwagon kids!

I'm finding things to occupy my time while I wait though. Finally getting around to making sails and the rest of the masts. I keep burning CD's for the DJ. I should stop burning a new copy every time I add something to the play list in iTunes. I made a list of everything that we each need to pack for the hotel. I even made schedules! Mostly so that I don't have to have 400 people calling me the day of asking me where I am or where I'm going. I also wanted to see it all laid out for my own sanity. I need to know that everything is going to get done- and I'd like to know on what time table.

Deep breath.

Most people who know me will find what I am about to tell you all unbelievable. I don't care about the little shit anymore. Yes it would be really nice to make welcome bags for all of our out of town guests, but that could/would get expensive. And I don't really have any anal retention left to find the perfect things to stick in said bags. Mind you, if I find myself bored the week or two before the Wedding I'll be making them. But it's not in my immediate plan. Hell, I still haven't ordered our cake OR our rings. But my dress is fitted and paid for, he's been fitted for his tux, the photographer is paid for. RSVP's are slow but steady. I think I've got everything I need. So with that said: I'm done. D-U-N, done. No more stressing out about Wedding crap. Because really, in the end it's all crap. I won't die without it. The important points are covered.

I'm sure I'll order a cake, so don't worry about that. It's just that getting into South Buffalo is sometimes hard for me. I've taken deep breath after breath since I picked up my dress Saturday. I don't think I really need anything else from this Wedding. I just want to wear my big dress and dance. And I think that just knowing that my dress is safe and sound at Aunt Karen's does something for the crazy half of my brain. So now for, I dance, breathe and wait.

Dancing through life,
Skimming the surface,
Gliding where turf is smooth.
Life's more painless,
For the brainless.
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing,
Dancing through life.
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do.
Nothing matters.

a To Do list; for me, not you

[ X ] call Maislin
[ X ] book hotel room
[ X ] call Paula Andrew
[ X ] breathe
[ X ] decide on tuxes
[ ] work on Sails
[ ] buy wedding bands, I know we're terrible
[ ] manicure
[ X ] decide on favors

There's a Weddin' in my future.

I totally let out a little squee when I hung up the phone. My Aunt just called to tell me that she's gotten a few reply cards in the mail for the shower. Now, I didn't think that they'd be out and about that fast. And I know that there are people who haven't gotten them yet. But man oh man- this kinda makes me stop and look around.

I have a Wedding to go to. Mine.
I have a smallish to do list, which is better than a big one.
But I need to get my bee-hind in gear.

I need to figure out if this Photobooth is in the Budget or not. I'm so very digging on it. Mostly because it would serve 2-ish purposes. Favors and Guestbook. MAN OH MAN! If only money were no object. But it is. And I do not have unlimited time to decide.

Let them eat Cake!

I am truly truly relieved. I thought that I was going to order the cake 6 months in advance since our date seems to be so popular. But ours is only the second Wedding on the books for the bakery. : D They told me not to worry so much, that I can order my cake as early as today or I can wait until 3 weeks before the wedding.

3 weeks makes me nervous though.

I'm going to wait to order it until after Easter. They're still taking orders for Easter pastries and breads- so I'm going to go back in when their business has calmed down.. and when I've calmed down some. Although, I'm much more at ease after hearing what Debbie needs from me. I was worried that she'd tell me that she couldn't do what I wanted on the cake.

It's kind of amusing though, I have 3 weeks to get a sketch of what I want on the cake, which seems like all the time in the world. Yet ordering the cake just 3 weeks before the Wedding makes me panic. I am a strange one.

6 months

So that's all that's left. And that doesn't seem very long. This has me worried. Granted there isn't much left for me to do. But there's enough to keep me busy. Not to mention it would be nice to have the living room painted and furnished by this fall. Since we will be having people coming from out of town who we will be entertaining and they may want to see the house. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

What's left:
Dance Lessons
Invitations
Cake
Flowers
Favors
Aisle Runner
Ties for the Boys
Shoes for the Girls

[x] I'm not sure how I feel about these anymore. I want to go... but I'm not so sure I want to add another thing to my to do list.
[x] I will not enjoy addressing these. But I'll deal.
[x] I know where I want the cake from and what I want it to look like. I just have to get the decorators on the same page.
[x] I know I want red flowers. But there are lots out there. So I've been trying to weed out the ones I DON'T want to make any more floral consultations go more smoothly.
[x] Favors... ooooooh favors. I can't decide between those little chests I linked earlier and round metal tins. I also need to figure out what to put in them
[x] I was going to ask a friends mom to sew the runner for me, but the fabric I wanted was too expensive. $450+shipping for something I'm going to walk on? No thanks. So I'm left trying to get creative, but I think it'll work.
[x] Ties, simple enough
[x] Shoes: my one true love and current hate.

In other news I got my second box today... I still haven't gotten Thank You cards printed. I stink.

Legal mumbo jumbo

In an effort to smooth things out later we went and had Matt's name changed. Which means I'll have just over 6 months to get used to him being Mr B before I become Mrs B. It's going to be an interesting ride. But I'm sure I'll manage. : P

I have an appointment with another Florist next week so I'll hopefully be able to check that off the list. And I have a friend looking into a runner for me as well. I feel like there's so much that still needs to be done- especially since we're almost at the 6mos mark.

Oh well, I guess I'll just hustle my little butt off for the next 2-4 weeks and see if I can get the rest of my to do list done.