Catching up...

We've been married for one year and we haven't killed each other, wonderful.
We had a healthy baby who is growing quickly all while smiling, awesome
I developed post partum depression, unfortunate.

I shouldn't say that this has been solely my problem, because this has been something that my family has had to deal with. While my husband has dealt with it more than my daughter, I didn't want it to get to the point where it would interfere or impact their lives in a significant way. I should have said something sooner, but I didn't know who to ask or where to turn to.

I've been dealing with this quietly, on my own. I didn't talk to anyone about it because like most new mothers- I was afraid of what people would think. I was afraid people would judge me, think that I wasn't caring for my daughter. I didn't want to deal with the pitiful glances that echoed, "poor you." Because that doesn't help.

I should have opened up sooner. I should have tried to find someone to relate to. But no one talks about this. No one flies the PPD flag high over their head. No one that I've met.

Why am I doing this now? Because I remember how awful it felt in the beginning. I remember feeling trapped in my house with this beautiful little girl. I remember being so confused wondering how did I end up in this position? I could take care of her, but not myself. And how could I continue to care for her if I can't care for myself? Eventually I knew that she was going to suffer because of all of this. That made me feel terrible. I couldn't bear the thought of her having to be unhappy because I was unhappy.

My email box and Facebook feed are erupting with announcements of pregnancies and births- and I want my friends to know that they aren't alone. If they find themselves feeling lost or listless, there is hope. There is a way through and around this.

I want you to know that there are resources out there. There are people who can help you. There are people who want to help you. But they can't if you don't speak up.

...a lot can change in 11 days

But not much has. There are still only 2 of us here and tomorrow it's likely that we'll talk about induction if she doesn't decide to come out on her own.

In the grand scheme of things I'd rather have a cesarean than a failed induction; and I'd rather have a natural birth than an induction. While my opinion matters- it doesn't matter yet. I'd like to say that I'd fight an induction and tell the doctors that she can have her birthday when she's ready. But truthfully, I've been done with pregnancy for a while. It's been very hot and I've been very uncomfortable. I keep having the worlds worst hot flashes which make 87 with 85% humidity very interesting. It results in a lot of showers. Which isn't so bad really- at least I'm clean!

We're still waiting, just like everyone else. The bag's packed, crib built, clothes washed... we're just missing a birthday girl.

It's the final countdown

We are rapidly approaching the single digit countdown- that's exciting... and terrifying. I'm not really sure what to expect out of myself in L&D- there are 3 possibilities.

1. I'm fine
2. I cry like a baby the whole time
3. I scream- a lot

Now, I could do a combination of 2 and 3 together. They seem like they'd fit nicely together. I have a theory as to which one I'll be- but I can't tell you what it is, that would ruin the surprise!

The room's been painted, crib assembled, changing table parts arrived, clothes washed and sorted. Now I just have to wait- which I'm not terribly good at. My mind wanders, it tends to get annoying if you have to deal with it daily [SORRY MATT!]. I can't do much, so I've been trying to keep busy as best I can- I've already addressed Birth Announcement envelopes.

Yes, I am that insane.

I figure that this way someone else can stuff, stamp and mail them. I took care of the hard part.

4:15 are out of the Baby Pool so far, technically 5:15 if you take in to account the boy guess. But I'll over look that. The rest of the guesses seem to be in clusters. Although I'm pretty sure that anyone who guessed AFTER my due date is insane- because I'm just about done and there are still 14 days to go.

Day 2: Still no signs of alternate life forms

So, I'm not working anymore. And when I think about the fact that this means I won't be working in August, September and possibly even October- I worry. Granted, I'd rather be home and not terribly swollen than at work potentially causing myself or someone else harm. So home I stay.

Today was harder than yesterday because I was alone all day. Yesterday I had Matt home with me, so there was someone to talk to, move big things. But today it was just l'il ol' me. I enjoyed being alone some, as I know that these quiet and leisurely days are numbered. But I got terribly frustrated and how tried I was after trying to do some dishes and clean the bathroom. I figured out a way to do chores at 7mos pregnant that apparently doesn't work so well at 8+mos. I'm going to have to figure something out because there's still plenty to be done.

I'm hoping Day 3 is more productive than Day 2. We'll see what happens.

Our Family

I spent a lot of last night thinking about it. Sometimes I feel strange talking about "My Family" because- well it does. But all of that can and will wait.

I'm not quite sure how I want to deal with visitors after the babe gets here. I've been told that people will want to come over and see her, hold her, booooooond with her. In all reality I'm fine with that- as long as it's on my schedule. Matt and I need to get in to a routine. We need to get to know this little person and she needs to get to know us.

I'd like to be able to come home, shower and sleep at my leisure. Now, I know that that sounds ridiculous. Who really has time for that with a newborn? But I don't want to have to worry about asking people to leave because I'm tired or upset or just plain overwhelmed. And while I appreciate that most people could and would take the hint and go- what do I do if someone doesn't? Do I ask Matt to politely and quietly tell everyone to go? Or should I try to keep it together long enough to ask them to leave?

While talking to my dad last night I mentioned that I wanted to wait until after I'd worked through the potential baby blues before having visitors over. He said that probably wouldn't be possible. Asking people to wait a week before seeing the baby might not go over well. So I guess for now I pray that the hormone crash isn't terrible and possibly over before I leave the hospital. And I hope that people understand that when I ask for my space- respect that I actually need it.

I hate to say it...

But the last 50 days are starting to feel like the first 50.

I have heartburn and hiccups all day. I often want to throw up. I ride the pendulum from insomnia to narcolepsy. Which also means I swing between being over tired and bouncing off the walls.

The good news is the floor in her room has been sanded and poly'd, I just need to work on priming and painting it. It's partially primed already but I need to get moving on the other side. Once that's all taken care of it'll be time to put in the closet organizer and start washing the massive amounts of baby clothes.

I still don't have a hospital bag packed. And I haven't taken any of the childbirth classes. I'm hoping that they can fit me to the next one. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm hoping to get part of my bag packed today, there have been BH and honest to god contractions in the past week which served as a harsh reminder that I still have much to do.

Something that makes this a whole lot easier is love. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWEE! Yes I know, how trite of me. But we really are lucky that there are so many people out there who care about Matt and I, which in turn means they care about this little person. People have offered to come help paint, sit with me, help me move things- and not to mention all of the awesome that was my shower. So let's just hope I remember all of these people in the next month and a half- because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need help from someone- at least once.

It's amazing what a box implies. Behind me is a very big box. This box means several things.

A. Painting needs to be done, yesterday.
2. Floors should be sanded, soon.
C. There should be someone else sleeping here, someday.

Matt's middle brothers moved the crib and changing table into the babes room, because I really didn't know where else to have them put them. But now there is this looming monster in the corner. It brings such a mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm so excited to have her [and be done with being pregnant] but I'm worried about getting things done. My sister pointed out to me last night that she won't know if I don't have matching curtains in her room when she comes home. And she won't care if my living room isn't spotless. I guess I just don't want the house to end up a disaster. I want her to have a safe and pretty home. I know that it can all be done- I'm just going to have to ask for help and potentially work through a nap or two and deal with some heartburn.

It may sound silly, but I don't want to bring her into a house. I want to bring her home. And right now? It doesn't really feel like one to me. Hopefully I can change that in less than 80 days. We'll see what happens.

12 and change...

We're almost to 28 weeks, which means soon it will be a single digit countdown.

SINGLE!

I'm hoping that the nervous starts to subside and the excited bubbles up more. The nervous mostly applies to the house, I want entirely too much done before she gets here. I wanted things cleaned and organized. I don't know how we're going to gel those first few days or weeks, so I want to make sure that Matt and I both know where everything is and we can get at what we need quickly. We've made some amazing progress in terms of getting rid of some of the excess in the basement and organizing the upstairs. There's still a bit of moving to do and some hefty painting- but I'm feeling better about it after our VERY productive weekend. And with 3.5 more days off this week I think I might be able to knock most of the painting off the to do list!

I got nervous a few days ago when I realized people had to be looking at our registry- because something else was missing. Couple this with the fact that we really haven't made any new progress in/on the house in the last few weeks and I'm an even bigger ball of nerves. I'm hoping to get one or BOTH of our desks in the basement this weekend, if that happens I'll be one step closer to painting the babe's room. I suppose I could worry about painting the play room first, I don't worry about that because I know that while it would be nice if it were a new color- if it stays white it's not the end of the world. Never mind the fact that the colors I'm looking at for in there are the lightest versions of beige, tan and peach out there. I'm also probably not terribly concerned with that room yet because I don't have my heart set on any of those colors.

There are less than 100 days left. That my friends is no joke. Time for us to get a move on.

Halfway down the stairs.

I'm sitting here at the halfway mark, with just under 20 weeks to go. And it feels strange. While it feels like a lifetime ago that we found out we were having a baby, I know that it wasn't. Some days, it seems like August is never coming.

It hasn't been easy or picture perfect, but in the end it'll all be worth the worry and wait. I'm so thankful for the friends and family I have. I can't thank my sister enough for all of the times I've called her in hysterics or near-hysterics. And I love that my Girlfriends are taking me to Register.

I know that I'm lucky. I didn't ever doubt that.

Redecorating, it's true.

People keep asking me what I'm most excited about with the pregnancy. And in my head I yell REDECORATING! But I don't say that. Most people expect you to say things like: being a Mom, bringing home baby, watching them grow.

But I'm not there yet.

Right now I'm excited to move things, paint things, clean things. I'm excited to baby proof. You might be wondering why- I have 5 months to make this place comfy, pretty and SAFE for a baby. I want all of it done before the Peanut comes home so there's no worry. I know that as far as safety goes some of it will come as the baby ages; as in "...I had no idea you could reach that!" There are things that I can do in the mean time though.

I'm sure that by the time June and July roll around I'll get the Mom jitters and I'll be excited to bring the baby home. But honestly? If I started getting excited about all of that now I don't think I'd have any energy left in August.

So for now:

We clean!
We paint!
We organize!

...and snack

Is there anybody out there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

So- I've left you alone for a while. And I'm sorry about that, Facebook is far more shiny and entertaining. I've had a house to try to maintain, which I've been failing at miserably [but more on that later]. I've just gotten all wrapped up in life. Which is funny because people kept telling me that I'd be so bored when all of the Wedding planning and hub-bub ended. When in reality- when that stopped I went back to living my life. I know it seems silly to say that my life was on hold for the 9-12 months of planning, but in a way it was. There were so many things that had to get done on a time table and in a specific order- other things just had to wait. The gas bill still got paid, dinner was still made; but anything that didn't need to get done was left to be done at a later date.

Which finds us in the wonderful spot we are today, terribly behind in everything. We'll get it all done, after all he did say forever. ; )

Keeping myself busy...

While I patiently wait for our Magnets to arrive I've been planning Registries. I will freely admit that this is the second most exciting part of the whole Wedding Planning process for me.

Some people think that Registries are the Devils work. I am here to tell you, no. They are not. The Registries are about your life together as Husband and Wife, and God willing: Parents.

It's about all of the little things that make your house into a home. And it's about the two of you. I will also freely admit that I put Wilton Cake Decorating Tools on there... as well as Cookie Sheets. Mostly because Baking is a big deal to me. And how am I to be expected to throw fabulous Cookie Exchanges if I don't have the proper tools and equipment?

I'm also trying to get the things that *I* want out of the way so that way Matt doesn't have to sit there and wait for me. But more importantly I'm hoping to take some of the tedium out of it so when we have to go 10 rounds over silverware- he'll have some stamina.

Picking paint for the house was terrible. I can only imagine what silverware will be like.

SO! What was your #1 must register for? What do you wish you'd Registered for?