No french fries makes Gillian go something something...

Rather than answer everyone's messages individually, I'm posting here. Unconventional? Maybe. Convenient? Absolutely.

At an appointment a few weeks ago they saw a few things that were cause for a more thorough exam and possibly more testing. During the ultrasound they saw 4 fibroids and there was some concern about the Bean's kidneys. The fibroids may mean nothing; because of their size and location they may mean surgery, preterm delivery or both. We won't have an answer to most of our questions until some time in early 2013. For now we have Plan A and Plan B.

Bean has an enlarged left kidney. With no obvious cause the theory is that because I'm retaining water, the bean is being forced to do the same. My kidneys are used to running all of the time, so I can process extra fluids etc without much of an issue. The Bean is still dependant on me for lots of little things, so most organs are still trying to figure out what to do with everything while in practice mode. The hope is that we'll be able to reduce the kidney's size by me reducing my salt intake while increasing the amount of water I drink. Once again there is no way for us to know if my efforts have done anything positive until January.

All of this means more doctors visits for me and more ultrasounds. All of this has left me in a position that I hate. Passive. It's a whole lot of waiting from here on out. Yes I can alter my diet but to me, just doing that doesn't seem like I'm doing a whole hell of a lot. It only gets worse when I keep hearing "...try to take it easy."

I was in the process of making cutie little things to mail out to people letting them know Boy or Girl, but that ship has sailed. I don't really have the energy to put all of that nonsense together anymore. The beans should be spilled by tonight, don't you worry.

Our Family

I spent a lot of last night thinking about it. Sometimes I feel strange talking about "My Family" because- well it does. But all of that can and will wait.

I'm not quite sure how I want to deal with visitors after the babe gets here. I've been told that people will want to come over and see her, hold her, booooooond with her. In all reality I'm fine with that- as long as it's on my schedule. Matt and I need to get in to a routine. We need to get to know this little person and she needs to get to know us.

I'd like to be able to come home, shower and sleep at my leisure. Now, I know that that sounds ridiculous. Who really has time for that with a newborn? But I don't want to have to worry about asking people to leave because I'm tired or upset or just plain overwhelmed. And while I appreciate that most people could and would take the hint and go- what do I do if someone doesn't? Do I ask Matt to politely and quietly tell everyone to go? Or should I try to keep it together long enough to ask them to leave?

While talking to my dad last night I mentioned that I wanted to wait until after I'd worked through the potential baby blues before having visitors over. He said that probably wouldn't be possible. Asking people to wait a week before seeing the baby might not go over well. So I guess for now I pray that the hormone crash isn't terrible and possibly over before I leave the hospital. And I hope that people understand that when I ask for my space- respect that I actually need it.

I hate to say it...

But the last 50 days are starting to feel like the first 50.

I have heartburn and hiccups all day. I often want to throw up. I ride the pendulum from insomnia to narcolepsy. Which also means I swing between being over tired and bouncing off the walls.

The good news is the floor in her room has been sanded and poly'd, I just need to work on priming and painting it. It's partially primed already but I need to get moving on the other side. Once that's all taken care of it'll be time to put in the closet organizer and start washing the massive amounts of baby clothes.

I still don't have a hospital bag packed. And I haven't taken any of the childbirth classes. I'm hoping that they can fit me to the next one. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm hoping to get part of my bag packed today, there have been BH and honest to god contractions in the past week which served as a harsh reminder that I still have much to do.

Something that makes this a whole lot easier is love. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWEE! Yes I know, how trite of me. But we really are lucky that there are so many people out there who care about Matt and I, which in turn means they care about this little person. People have offered to come help paint, sit with me, help me move things- and not to mention all of the awesome that was my shower. So let's just hope I remember all of these people in the next month and a half- because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need help from someone- at least once.

Deep breath.

Most people who know me will find what I am about to tell you all unbelievable. I don't care about the little shit anymore. Yes it would be really nice to make welcome bags for all of our out of town guests, but that could/would get expensive. And I don't really have any anal retention left to find the perfect things to stick in said bags. Mind you, if I find myself bored the week or two before the Wedding I'll be making them. But it's not in my immediate plan. Hell, I still haven't ordered our cake OR our rings. But my dress is fitted and paid for, he's been fitted for his tux, the photographer is paid for. RSVP's are slow but steady. I think I've got everything I need. So with that said: I'm done. D-U-N, done. No more stressing out about Wedding crap. Because really, in the end it's all crap. I won't die without it. The important points are covered.

I'm sure I'll order a cake, so don't worry about that. It's just that getting into South Buffalo is sometimes hard for me. I've taken deep breath after breath since I picked up my dress Saturday. I don't think I really need anything else from this Wedding. I just want to wear my big dress and dance. And I think that just knowing that my dress is safe and sound at Aunt Karen's does something for the crazy half of my brain. So now for, I dance, breathe and wait.

Dancing through life,
Skimming the surface,
Gliding where turf is smooth.
Life's more painless,
For the brainless.
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing,
Dancing through life.
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do.
Nothing matters.

Seamstress?

The Bridal Shop I bought my Dress from was seized on Friday. I may or may not have a Veil at this point. Because I assume they ordered it. But I don't know for sure. Awesome. I have to find out if I have a Veil or not and I need to find a seamstress.

Wahoo.