I only hope...

I am having a moment. I knew would come. It's 3:00AM, I last woke at 12:30PM the day before. It was only a 45m nap.

You cried. You screamed. You're awake. I am too. Neither of us are getting any sleep.
Some day, this will be a blur, but for now; I only hope, that I live long enough....

Day 2: Still no signs of alternate life forms

So, I'm not working anymore. And when I think about the fact that this means I won't be working in August, September and possibly even October- I worry. Granted, I'd rather be home and not terribly swollen than at work potentially causing myself or someone else harm. So home I stay.

Today was harder than yesterday because I was alone all day. Yesterday I had Matt home with me, so there was someone to talk to, move big things. But today it was just l'il ol' me. I enjoyed being alone some, as I know that these quiet and leisurely days are numbered. But I got terribly frustrated and how tried I was after trying to do some dishes and clean the bathroom. I figured out a way to do chores at 7mos pregnant that apparently doesn't work so well at 8+mos. I'm going to have to figure something out because there's still plenty to be done.

I'm hoping Day 3 is more productive than Day 2. We'll see what happens.

It feels so strange to be sitting on the other side of this pregnancy. While I am thrilled to be past the halfway point for a variety of reasons, I'm afraid that I am approaching the nervous portion of the program.

I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen. I like being prepared. And right now I don't feel like we're prepared and I certainly don't know what's going to happen. I know that a large part of the prep process for me is the babe's room, which requires some help and a lot of heavy lifting... so that is being shelved for now.

But in the mean time I've been trying to organize and stream line the rest of our living spaces. Because honestly- I haven't kept things as clean as I'd like in quite some time. It's frustrating being at work and then coming home to chaos. Some days I don't have the energy to make dinner let alone think about picking things up or sorting and organizing things. Matt and I have some time off together but not a lot. So I try not to make the time we spend together all about chores- but this has got me thinking that I'm going to have to scale back on how much time I spend at work soon. I need to have time and energy to devote to my house and husband. All of that thinking has me nervous about balancing work and home after the baby's born.

But I know one thing is certain, if I don't start getting things done we're going to have to make a mad dash at the end. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a woman who's 8mos pregnant- but they don't do much running.

I guess it's time to prioritize.

...it's been a doozy of a day

Two of my girlfriends have encountered serious problems with their pregnancies. And in both instances it forced me to think about how it must feel to be in their shoes, what would I do? And most importantly- who would be there to help me through it?

The soul searching that ensued first angered me. Then I was inspired. I know that Matt and I will make our way over and around whatever obstacles we encounter. I'd like to say that he's all that I will ever need- because well, I did marry the man. But I know that I need more than him, it's not fair to make him carry my world and his when mine turns sideways.

It was at this point that the hormonal crying jag started. I don't think I'll ever understand them, it's also safe to say that I will never look forward to them. But that is neither here nor there, so let's move on shall we? I felt so alone, mind you I was in a sense since I was in the car on the way to work. Oh yes, I was that crazy woman driving down Delaware crying. It was spectacular. In that moment I realized that there were only 2 people I could call when I got to work, and I didn't want to call either of them. I couldn't talk to the person I wanted to- and that seemed to make me cry harder and it made me very angry.

I had to tell myself more than once today that I'm better than this. I stood up for myself before I really understood what my actions meant. I have unbelievable strength, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I can do this. As much as it hurts to think- I can do this on my own.

I promised myself that I'd stop being angry today. I'm going to stop feeling the sad. Because I am where I am, and I have a say in where I go. And it's ok if you don't come with me because I've made it this far. And I'm fairly certain that I'll reach the finish line. Something tells me, that I'll appreciate what Matt and I make even more knowing that it just took the two of us.


You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I tried to be your brother
You cried and ran for cover
I made a mess, who doesn’t
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I’ll give you something can cry about
One thing you should try it out
Hold a mirror shoulder high
When you’re older look you in the eye
When you’re older look you in the eye

I tried but you tried harder
I lied but you lied smarter
You made me guess who was it
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

Crap.

I may not have a Judge for the Wedding now. I wasn't paying attention when we picked a date, we're getting Married on Rosh Hashanah. Weeeeeeeeee!

Crap, crap, crap.

Invitaion: Fail

Today was one big boatload of fail in the invite department. It's taken me what seems like ages to round everything up that I wanted for invitations. The biggest problem with this is that I started looking at things entirely too early, so I kept changing my mind and I wasn't too terribly eager to commit to something. I was looking at new things every week so I didn't want to pick a style and then find something better just days later.

I bit the bullet today and decided to sit down and just do it. After about 4 hours I had Information Cards, Invitations, Reply Cards, A map; that I later scrapped. And I moved the ceremony time up 30mins.

We went to buy the Parchment Card stock, only to find that they had 3 sheets. I need roughly 105 sheets. Awesome. We went to Office Max to see what they had. Found something I wasn't super excited about, but we bought it anyways.

Time for printing! Wrong-o. The color machine was working, but the B&W wasn't. So they could print my Invitations... just nothing else, unless I was willing to pay 49 cents per page... which I was not. They said we could go to another location but that we'd probably have to leave everything and pick it up some time tomorrow.

So I have envelopes. No invitations.

But hey, we bought 4lbs of taffy for the shower. So it's not a total wash right?

My very first terrible vendor experience.

I had called a hotel about 2 months ago to set aside a block of rooms for people. I told them I would need 50-100. There are people coming in from out of town as well as people living in town who wanted to spend the night away from home.

They said "No problem!" Started giving me details. I hung up the phone feeling confident and completely at ease. Fast forward to today. Amy! Calls. She was unfortunately confused, she thought I was getting Married 10/19 not 9/19. Since it's back to school time they can only give me a block of 15 rooms.

...

33 is the low ball on rooms. That's doubling up on people who know each other and might stay together. That's expecting/hoping that some of the people will be staying at their parents houses.

So now I look for a new hotel and see if I can find one that'll give me ~50 rooms.