It seems silly...

But I already worry about my daughter. I worry about what people will tell her. I worry that someone else will get to have momentous firsts with her. I worry about who will try to influence her.

It all seems so silly. And almost ridiculous.

I can't affect any of this, but it tickles my brain in the early morning and latest night. Every once and a while when I'm having these deep thoughts about who she'll spend her time with and where she might end up- she gives me a thump or a bump. Just to let me know she's still there. At least that's what I like to think.

It feels so strange to be sitting on the other side of this pregnancy. While I am thrilled to be past the halfway point for a variety of reasons, I'm afraid that I am approaching the nervous portion of the program.

I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen. I like being prepared. And right now I don't feel like we're prepared and I certainly don't know what's going to happen. I know that a large part of the prep process for me is the babe's room, which requires some help and a lot of heavy lifting... so that is being shelved for now.

But in the mean time I've been trying to organize and stream line the rest of our living spaces. Because honestly- I haven't kept things as clean as I'd like in quite some time. It's frustrating being at work and then coming home to chaos. Some days I don't have the energy to make dinner let alone think about picking things up or sorting and organizing things. Matt and I have some time off together but not a lot. So I try not to make the time we spend together all about chores- but this has got me thinking that I'm going to have to scale back on how much time I spend at work soon. I need to have time and energy to devote to my house and husband. All of that thinking has me nervous about balancing work and home after the baby's born.

But I know one thing is certain, if I don't start getting things done we're going to have to make a mad dash at the end. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a woman who's 8mos pregnant- but they don't do much running.

I guess it's time to prioritize.

Now there's a Baby Pool link at the top of the Page. I haven't figured out what the prize shall be yet.

...it's been a doozy of a day

Two of my girlfriends have encountered serious problems with their pregnancies. And in both instances it forced me to think about how it must feel to be in their shoes, what would I do? And most importantly- who would be there to help me through it?

The soul searching that ensued first angered me. Then I was inspired. I know that Matt and I will make our way over and around whatever obstacles we encounter. I'd like to say that he's all that I will ever need- because well, I did marry the man. But I know that I need more than him, it's not fair to make him carry my world and his when mine turns sideways.

It was at this point that the hormonal crying jag started. I don't think I'll ever understand them, it's also safe to say that I will never look forward to them. But that is neither here nor there, so let's move on shall we? I felt so alone, mind you I was in a sense since I was in the car on the way to work. Oh yes, I was that crazy woman driving down Delaware crying. It was spectacular. In that moment I realized that there were only 2 people I could call when I got to work, and I didn't want to call either of them. I couldn't talk to the person I wanted to- and that seemed to make me cry harder and it made me very angry.

I had to tell myself more than once today that I'm better than this. I stood up for myself before I really understood what my actions meant. I have unbelievable strength, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I can do this. As much as it hurts to think- I can do this on my own.

I promised myself that I'd stop being angry today. I'm going to stop feeling the sad. Because I am where I am, and I have a say in where I go. And it's ok if you don't come with me because I've made it this far. And I'm fairly certain that I'll reach the finish line. Something tells me, that I'll appreciate what Matt and I make even more knowing that it just took the two of us.


You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I tried to be your brother
You cried and ran for cover
I made a mess, who doesn’t
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me

I’ll give you something can cry about
One thing you should try it out
Hold a mirror shoulder high
When you’re older look you in the eye
When you’re older look you in the eye

I tried but you tried harder
I lied but you lied smarter
You made me guess who was it
I did my best but it wasn’t enough

Halfway down the stairs.

I'm sitting here at the halfway mark, with just under 20 weeks to go. And it feels strange. While it feels like a lifetime ago that we found out we were having a baby, I know that it wasn't. Some days, it seems like August is never coming.

It hasn't been easy or picture perfect, but in the end it'll all be worth the worry and wait. I'm so thankful for the friends and family I have. I can't thank my sister enough for all of the times I've called her in hysterics or near-hysterics. And I love that my Girlfriends are taking me to Register.

I know that I'm lucky. I didn't ever doubt that.