Don't tell me you missed me

Today, was a day in which being an adult... sucked. Surely it's all crap that will fade, but never truly disappear. Which, in my opinion, is the worst crap of all.

Today, I felt sad and angry for my children, for my husband and lastly myself. It took watching Home for the 236th time for it to hit me, and it hit hard.

If you want to have me in your life, make a little space for me. If you want my husband in your life... make a bigger space for him; he needs more room to sit. That's all it takes. A little space to sit and mingle in. A space for us to share interests, ideas, jokes, anecdotes. I won't ask you to make time for any of us, because what you do with your time is truly your business. I just ask for a little space. A space to store memories of me. A space for gestures of love and caring- big or small. It hurts me to think that someone might think that my husband or my children might not be worthy of that space. A space that, they probably weren't using anyways.

I was going to get loud and angry, but that won't fix it. It will make me feel better in the short term, what good is that? If I change my mind, I'll have plenty more opportunities to get loud or angry- or both.

It hurts me to think that my children could have more, if it weren't for self absorbed adults. It angers me to think that there is no real solution to this.I'll be sad-mad about it all for now, but it won't last long.

My only hope is that when I'm done feeling sad-mad, I can remember the feeling.

Relevant:
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying

No french fries makes Gillian go something something...

Rather than answer everyone's messages individually, I'm posting here. Unconventional? Maybe. Convenient? Absolutely.

At an appointment a few weeks ago they saw a few things that were cause for a more thorough exam and possibly more testing. During the ultrasound they saw 4 fibroids and there was some concern about the Bean's kidneys. The fibroids may mean nothing; because of their size and location they may mean surgery, preterm delivery or both. We won't have an answer to most of our questions until some time in early 2013. For now we have Plan A and Plan B.

Bean has an enlarged left kidney. With no obvious cause the theory is that because I'm retaining water, the bean is being forced to do the same. My kidneys are used to running all of the time, so I can process extra fluids etc without much of an issue. The Bean is still dependant on me for lots of little things, so most organs are still trying to figure out what to do with everything while in practice mode. The hope is that we'll be able to reduce the kidney's size by me reducing my salt intake while increasing the amount of water I drink. Once again there is no way for us to know if my efforts have done anything positive until January.

All of this means more doctors visits for me and more ultrasounds. All of this has left me in a position that I hate. Passive. It's a whole lot of waiting from here on out. Yes I can alter my diet but to me, just doing that doesn't seem like I'm doing a whole hell of a lot. It only gets worse when I keep hearing "...try to take it easy."

I was in the process of making cutie little things to mail out to people letting them know Boy or Girl, but that ship has sailed. I don't really have the energy to put all of that nonsense together anymore. The beans should be spilled by tonight, don't you worry.

Now with more busy

If we're not friends, you don't know.

The last Bobs will be here sometime next spring.

Consider this your final warning.

Sorry, I Don't hang out much here anymore-

There's just waaaaaaay more going on with little bobs than big. I'll attribute that to the BIG Bobs never getting to do anything fun together, it's all doctor's appointments or toddler wrangling.

This is something that doesn't belong in the little bobs domain though, so here I am!

I need to remember to be grateful for what I have.

I keep thinking, "Holy CRAP I can't wait for you to tell me what you want rather than grunting and shrieking at me." Trouble with that thought is: Mags is telling me what she wants, as best she can. Honestly, what she can say now is 100% better than what she was saying 12 or even 6 months ago.

I need to remember that.

I also need to remember that it's a hell of a lot harder for her to keep learning those new words and exercising her head meat using them is a lot of work. She's getting it done though. We're closer to the end than the beginning at this point, she's adding words to her vocabulary and repeating words that we say to her.

I'm pretty sure she and Ms Mary will have both earned a cake at the end of all of this.

I only hope...

I am having a moment. I knew would come. It's 3:00AM, I last woke at 12:30PM the day before. It was only a 45m nap.

You cried. You screamed. You're awake. I am too. Neither of us are getting any sleep.
Some day, this will be a blur, but for now; I only hope, that I live long enough....

I get by with a little help from my friends.

I will admit, I feel fairly helpless as I write this. I want so much to help my friend- but it doesn't seem like there is much I can do for him. I'm fairly certain that he and his wife will have more days in front of them with this awful feeling walking beside them. For one afternoon, I will be filling the shoes left by hopelessness. And maybe, that will help. http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/GillianBobrowski

Catching up...

We've been married for one year and we haven't killed each other, wonderful.
We had a healthy baby who is growing quickly all while smiling, awesome
I developed post partum depression, unfortunate.

I shouldn't say that this has been solely my problem, because this has been something that my family has had to deal with. While my husband has dealt with it more than my daughter, I didn't want it to get to the point where it would interfere or impact their lives in a significant way. I should have said something sooner, but I didn't know who to ask or where to turn to.

I've been dealing with this quietly, on my own. I didn't talk to anyone about it because like most new mothers- I was afraid of what people would think. I was afraid people would judge me, think that I wasn't caring for my daughter. I didn't want to deal with the pitiful glances that echoed, "poor you." Because that doesn't help.

I should have opened up sooner. I should have tried to find someone to relate to. But no one talks about this. No one flies the PPD flag high over their head. No one that I've met.

Why am I doing this now? Because I remember how awful it felt in the beginning. I remember feeling trapped in my house with this beautiful little girl. I remember being so confused wondering how did I end up in this position? I could take care of her, but not myself. And how could I continue to care for her if I can't care for myself? Eventually I knew that she was going to suffer because of all of this. That made me feel terrible. I couldn't bear the thought of her having to be unhappy because I was unhappy.

My email box and Facebook feed are erupting with announcements of pregnancies and births- and I want my friends to know that they aren't alone. If they find themselves feeling lost or listless, there is hope. There is a way through and around this.

I want you to know that there are resources out there. There are people who can help you. There are people who want to help you. But they can't if you don't speak up.

UPromise

Miss Moo has a UPromise Account, that means that you can shop online and help save for her college education!

Want to know how you can help? Just ask Mom!

So, we had a baby....

8/25/10
10:18A
7lbs 11oz
21in

...a lot can change in 11 days

But not much has. There are still only 2 of us here and tomorrow it's likely that we'll talk about induction if she doesn't decide to come out on her own.

In the grand scheme of things I'd rather have a cesarean than a failed induction; and I'd rather have a natural birth than an induction. While my opinion matters- it doesn't matter yet. I'd like to say that I'd fight an induction and tell the doctors that she can have her birthday when she's ready. But truthfully, I've been done with pregnancy for a while. It's been very hot and I've been very uncomfortable. I keep having the worlds worst hot flashes which make 87 with 85% humidity very interesting. It results in a lot of showers. Which isn't so bad really- at least I'm clean!

We're still waiting, just like everyone else. The bag's packed, crib built, clothes washed... we're just missing a birthday girl.

It's the final countdown

We are rapidly approaching the single digit countdown- that's exciting... and terrifying. I'm not really sure what to expect out of myself in L&D- there are 3 possibilities.

1. I'm fine
2. I cry like a baby the whole time
3. I scream- a lot

Now, I could do a combination of 2 and 3 together. They seem like they'd fit nicely together. I have a theory as to which one I'll be- but I can't tell you what it is, that would ruin the surprise!

The room's been painted, crib assembled, changing table parts arrived, clothes washed and sorted. Now I just have to wait- which I'm not terribly good at. My mind wanders, it tends to get annoying if you have to deal with it daily [SORRY MATT!]. I can't do much, so I've been trying to keep busy as best I can- I've already addressed Birth Announcement envelopes.

Yes, I am that insane.

I figure that this way someone else can stuff, stamp and mail them. I took care of the hard part.

4:15 are out of the Baby Pool so far, technically 5:15 if you take in to account the boy guess. But I'll over look that. The rest of the guesses seem to be in clusters. Although I'm pretty sure that anyone who guessed AFTER my due date is insane- because I'm just about done and there are still 14 days to go.

No signs of progress...

So I'll get this out of the way now:

Have You had that baby yet?

I decided fairly early on that I will not, Not, NOT be fielding that question. Labor, Delivery and Birth are very stressful- and I'm not so down with everyone calling and asking for updates.

It seems as though her growth is slowing as she gets closer to 7lbs, thankgoodness. But there's no real way to ensure that she won't find her way over 8 even 9lbs- a girl can dream though. She seems to get terribly rowdy after the visits to the doctors now though. I'm assuming since they're more "invasive" now. There's a lot more poking her, trying to see if she's where she's supposed to be.

So for now, I just have to keep doing what I'm doing- and she'll keep kicking my ass. XD

Day 2: Still no signs of alternate life forms

So, I'm not working anymore. And when I think about the fact that this means I won't be working in August, September and possibly even October- I worry. Granted, I'd rather be home and not terribly swollen than at work potentially causing myself or someone else harm. So home I stay.

Today was harder than yesterday because I was alone all day. Yesterday I had Matt home with me, so there was someone to talk to, move big things. But today it was just l'il ol' me. I enjoyed being alone some, as I know that these quiet and leisurely days are numbered. But I got terribly frustrated and how tried I was after trying to do some dishes and clean the bathroom. I figured out a way to do chores at 7mos pregnant that apparently doesn't work so well at 8+mos. I'm going to have to figure something out because there's still plenty to be done.

I'm hoping Day 3 is more productive than Day 2. We'll see what happens.

Our Family

I spent a lot of last night thinking about it. Sometimes I feel strange talking about "My Family" because- well it does. But all of that can and will wait.

I'm not quite sure how I want to deal with visitors after the babe gets here. I've been told that people will want to come over and see her, hold her, booooooond with her. In all reality I'm fine with that- as long as it's on my schedule. Matt and I need to get in to a routine. We need to get to know this little person and she needs to get to know us.

I'd like to be able to come home, shower and sleep at my leisure. Now, I know that that sounds ridiculous. Who really has time for that with a newborn? But I don't want to have to worry about asking people to leave because I'm tired or upset or just plain overwhelmed. And while I appreciate that most people could and would take the hint and go- what do I do if someone doesn't? Do I ask Matt to politely and quietly tell everyone to go? Or should I try to keep it together long enough to ask them to leave?

While talking to my dad last night I mentioned that I wanted to wait until after I'd worked through the potential baby blues before having visitors over. He said that probably wouldn't be possible. Asking people to wait a week before seeing the baby might not go over well. So I guess for now I pray that the hormone crash isn't terrible and possibly over before I leave the hospital. And I hope that people understand that when I ask for my space- respect that I actually need it.

Good news? Bad news?

...she's officially dropped. One contestant says this means nothing. Another says this means I'll have a baby in 2 short weeks.

One thing I DO know- I'll be in the bathroom a lot more now.

I hate to say it...

But the last 50 days are starting to feel like the first 50.

I have heartburn and hiccups all day. I often want to throw up. I ride the pendulum from insomnia to narcolepsy. Which also means I swing between being over tired and bouncing off the walls.

The good news is the floor in her room has been sanded and poly'd, I just need to work on priming and painting it. It's partially primed already but I need to get moving on the other side. Once that's all taken care of it'll be time to put in the closet organizer and start washing the massive amounts of baby clothes.

I still don't have a hospital bag packed. And I haven't taken any of the childbirth classes. I'm hoping that they can fit me to the next one. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm hoping to get part of my bag packed today, there have been BH and honest to god contractions in the past week which served as a harsh reminder that I still have much to do.

Something that makes this a whole lot easier is love. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWEE! Yes I know, how trite of me. But we really are lucky that there are so many people out there who care about Matt and I, which in turn means they care about this little person. People have offered to come help paint, sit with me, help me move things- and not to mention all of the awesome that was my shower. So let's just hope I remember all of these people in the next month and a half- because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need help from someone- at least once.

It's amazing what a box implies. Behind me is a very big box. This box means several things.

A. Painting needs to be done, yesterday.
2. Floors should be sanded, soon.
C. There should be someone else sleeping here, someday.

Matt's middle brothers moved the crib and changing table into the babes room, because I really didn't know where else to have them put them. But now there is this looming monster in the corner. It brings such a mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm so excited to have her [and be done with being pregnant] but I'm worried about getting things done. My sister pointed out to me last night that she won't know if I don't have matching curtains in her room when she comes home. And she won't care if my living room isn't spotless. I guess I just don't want the house to end up a disaster. I want her to have a safe and pretty home. I know that it can all be done- I'm just going to have to ask for help and potentially work through a nap or two and deal with some heartburn.

It may sound silly, but I don't want to bring her into a house. I want to bring her home. And right now? It doesn't really feel like one to me. Hopefully I can change that in less than 80 days. We'll see what happens.

12 and change...

We're almost to 28 weeks, which means soon it will be a single digit countdown.

SINGLE!

I'm hoping that the nervous starts to subside and the excited bubbles up more. The nervous mostly applies to the house, I want entirely too much done before she gets here. I wanted things cleaned and organized. I don't know how we're going to gel those first few days or weeks, so I want to make sure that Matt and I both know where everything is and we can get at what we need quickly. We've made some amazing progress in terms of getting rid of some of the excess in the basement and organizing the upstairs. There's still a bit of moving to do and some hefty painting- but I'm feeling better about it after our VERY productive weekend. And with 3.5 more days off this week I think I might be able to knock most of the painting off the to do list!

I got nervous a few days ago when I realized people had to be looking at our registry- because something else was missing. Couple this with the fact that we really haven't made any new progress in/on the house in the last few weeks and I'm an even bigger ball of nerves. I'm hoping to get one or BOTH of our desks in the basement this weekend, if that happens I'll be one step closer to painting the babe's room. I suppose I could worry about painting the play room first, I don't worry about that because I know that while it would be nice if it were a new color- if it stays white it's not the end of the world. Never mind the fact that the colors I'm looking at for in there are the lightest versions of beige, tan and peach out there. I'm also probably not terribly concerned with that room yet because I don't have my heart set on any of those colors.

There are less than 100 days left. That my friends is no joke. Time for us to get a move on.

I am the slug

I don't know if I'm getting the sleepies early, or if I'm going to use this as an I TOLD YOU SO about my pregnancy progress... I'm feeling the 3rd trimester energy vortex. I want naps. I want snooze buttons.

The days that I have to go to work or run around kill me. I know that we're in the home stretch now, so that's got me excited. But this sloth/slug stuff has got to go. We have a lot to do still. And there's a lot that I wanted to get squared away before we became a 3-some. Some days I think my love of naps is going to destroy my to do list- and that makes me a little sad. I did manage to pick out a paint color for her room as well as start painting a lamp for the room. It doesn't feel like much progress at this point, but I know that as long as I can keep knocking little things off we should be ok.

But for now I'll keep doing what I can and take naps as often as I can.